This will be the first post of mine in a while; think of it as self-neglect. Cindy learned Reiki and I asked her to practice it on me; the results were astounding. The effect was very noticeable; her aptitude for spiritual matters is quite apparent. She was able to detect real problems that I was having as well as offer really interesting insights into my own mind.
I will not even bother with the tired old drill of the authentication or proof of Reiki or Energy at large, or even some force in the universe that we are all a part of. I no longer feel that it is a question of rather or not it is a real thing. I have had proof long before this moment. How did I allow it to be so thoroughly covered over? How is it that I believe other people so readily in their own thoughts, impressions, and musings about the reality we live in over the intensity and quality of my own experiences?
How absurd! A distrust of one’s own mind, a chunk of particularly complex and organized prime reality operating on the highest principles all the time, for trust in another’s mind? Another mind that recursively places the authority of perception back further to other minds, and those minds, other ones, further back? Until the impetus for exploring one’s own perception is thoroughly diffused, one’s will is evaporated, and looking inward becomes a game of focusing out to the furthest point AWAY from one’s own mind and perceptions, detaching from one’s own personal experience.. I will end this paragraph in the same way I began it. How Absurd!
I don’t want to be subject to the opinions of reality derived from the experience of others. I have such anger at what I perceive to be deliberate manipulation of others until one conforms to their opinions. And what is the consequence of not conforming? A snide, condescending derisiveness, a subtle shift of character, an ostracization on a mental level of discernment and reasoning, of world views. But who would want to share such a limited, rigid world view? Fine. To not be accepted and perceived as a fool, but to maintain my own vital energy, passion, compassion, curiosity, and inspiration, is the most idyllic thing I can achieve here at the moment. I cannot help, nor am I responsible for, the emotions, world views, perceptions of myself held by others, or the ideas held by others.
There are so few people… I want someone on my level, who understands me. The loneliness is almost continual, interrupted briefly by reveries on my guitar. It is an existential loneliness, reflected in exploring ideas or seeing the effects of ideas that have the effect of isolation as opposed to connection, expansion, higher-level meaning. Loneliness is reflected in my actions, in where I live, in my manner of speech, but it no longer is reflected in the universe.. Seeking validation through others for a sense of existential freedom is an ugly thing. I explored ideas that best suit what it is that I already knew.
Acting out illusions of separateness, of the fundamental violence of humanity, of absurdities which cannot exist in the type of universe that I know to exist. Humans are not fundamentally violent. We live in a vibrant, living universe of which we are an intrinsic part. I want to be grounded in what I already know, and for that I must live what I understand to be true. Why entertain such absurdities as separateness, causality, entropy, reductionism, determinism.
The minds of some are sucking black holes, dark stained glass, a choronzon being acted out on a stage of the mind.
This is my ritual of entrance into greater mind. I took a great step forward into a larger, more vibrant spiritual plane, another aspect of my own existence, an poignancy of self-awareness and care, that had been previously awakened and covered over. It is now awoken again to an even greater degree and I don’t want to lose it again. That would be to misrepresent the experience I had of it. I never lost it. I simply made too many allowances in my attempts at empathy for others until it was overshadowed by their thoughts and emotions. An inescapable mire, an unnecessary, additional medium through which information must be translated. I must be aware of the thoughts in my head, the influence of the thoughts of others, and the process of grounding them away when I am beyond their influence.. Careful self-maintenance. Wanting so badly to share and connect with others through such wonderful experiences I have had, and feeling only resistance, derision, disbelief, denial that it is even a possibility, and lying that they deny it..
I don’t feel like I have anyone in my life, in reference to a deep sense of loneliness.