Cauterized with conversation

A string of strange events occurred today. Advance, retreat, advance, retreat. . That is the pattern that learning anything important follows. Fuck the way anyone else does anything. I would say that it’s all variations on this theme. You stumble forward, sometimes tumbling somewhat farther than you think you can tolerate, and you lay on the ground in agony, knowing you’ll make a bigger, more informed, and as a consequence, more controlled and purposeful fall as a result. Learning to get good at failing is a worthy goal until you finally succeed. It creates psychological fortitude, which is very much needed to succeed at anything. Blind, lucky success can’t even be held on to by someone who lacks the right temperament.

I didn’t expect the hang-out with my friend and his new girlfriend to go the way it did. We went to a drum circle. She seemed somewhat clingy to both of us. To me in a more hesitant way, and to my friend whom she is dating, in the typical way you would expect. Both were quite off-putting. I got the chance to talk to her alone for a span of time. The whole time I talked to anyone that day, I was dead-focused. Almost zero distraction; I was really absorbing everything about the interaction, aware on multiple levels. Unfortunately, or maybe it’s actually necessarily, I also do this on an emotional level. I tend to absorb the emotions of others with startling ease. I do so without even being aware of it until later. I did this with her neuroticism and anxiety (for which she’s prescribed kolonopin), and only registered it this morning when I was on the verge of a panic attack or anxiety attack while driving. It started when I began to feel claustrophibic, in the psychological sense, while at home. It is quite frustrating to not get a peaceful morning to myself without my parents yelling at the animals at intervals throughout the day and into the early hours of the morning.

The awareness that I was an empath cut through it and I felt good, realizing how good of a presence in my life Jenn is. I decided to call her and just thank her, but we ended up having coffee at her place. It is always a deepening of presence, a heightening of awareness when we sit down and lock minds. I began by telling her how thankful I was that she was in my life and told her briefly about the pendulum entrainment and how it related to the concept of Emergent Leadership. The one person in the group that exhibits the greatest leadership qualities is the one who can regulate their own nervous system the best. Just like the largest pendulum synchronizing all of the smaller ones to it, the person with the greatest nervous system regulation ability will entrain all others in the group to their emotional level. This consolidates focus, creativity, and intelligence, multiplying potential to something greater than the mere sum of the individuals composing it.

After that, we dramatically switched gears. We started talking about LSD, and shared experiences with the psychotropic. Somewhat uncomfortably for me, she alluded to sex, but I don’t think I gave away how that made me feel. She eventually suggested that I meet and hang out with her new boyfriend. I told her that, in light of the way I was feeling, I was going to be very cautious and that it probably wouldn’t happen any time soon.

We started talking about our time together. It must be stressed that her invitation to listen to me and let me express what needed to be expressed was both deeply endearing, and selflessly compassionate. It makes me love her more and more. It deepens our friendship. I told her that there was no one like her and she responded by saying that it was a metric she could not trust because so many other people she casually dated had said the same thing. I wanted to make it simultaneously clear to her that it wasn’t precisely what I meant and that I was over it. I didn’t deal with all the emotional material that arose. I merely understand that we don’t have that spark necessary to enable dating to work. That much I have acknowledged. I basically made her aware of some missteps that she wasn’t aware of, mostly so that I could just let the emotion out, so that it could be spoken. I realized that I was angrier and more hurt than I had acknowledged to myself when I told her that I was on the verge of accepting her previous rejections of my advancements towards her when she approached me and asked for a threesome. I think that was one of the most painful things for me; to have her break up with me after she approached me after her previous rejections. Two more things at play were how I perceived her relationship with her ex, Joe, how they negatively influenced our communication, and the contradictions inherent in the polyamorous relationship structure (the idea that the primary relationship can exist but that when one person takes precedence over another, that person should be cut out. Joe had been doing this to me the entire time, but when I mentioned it, Jenn merely told me that I was the secondary, which further angered me). While she herself, independent of Joe’s influence over her, felt that her and I weren’t meant to date, she used Joe’s approach and words which made it seem to me that he was directly influencing how she was feeling towards me instead of it genuinely coming from her.

We eventually cleared all of this up, coming to the conclusion that I have abandonment issues. As far as her flaws go, I think that she just wants acceptance from me that she’s only human and she’ll make mistakes. Even through the emotions that the conversation arose in me, I accept that. There is something so beautiful in the way she said it. I marvel that humanity has produced such a stunning specimen. I also made it clear to her that I love her regardless of the fact that we don’t have any type of romantic relationship, and that my definition and experience of love is very different from hers or anyone elses’ for that matter. I ran out of steam completely at that point. I needed to go. I was at capacity for how much revelation and discussion I could take, how much I could feel and still keep my composure. Only music, beauty, and piercing sadness have ever made me cry. Joy as well. I cry with joy more than anything else. What a great time and place to exist in. What a great friend to share life with.

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